Hello everyone, so I'm currently sat in the car park where I work, waiting to pick up my friend as I'm currently 'on holiday' and their car has broken down, and I really don't feel well, which got me thinking "I want to write about how I feel, maybe it'll will make me feel better, on an emotional level, just to get everything off my chest" so please forgive that this isn't my typical type of post, but its something I really need to talk about. I'm not going to talk about what my illness is, but I want to talk about the effect its had on me over this past year.
So I mentioned in a recent post that I haven't been very well recently, and when I say recently I mean, the past year. Yep, I have been suffering for over twelve months and still don't have any answers, just a lot of maybes, and am no closer to feeling any better. When I first started getting ill, I thought I was dealing with it on my own, and just plodding along regardless of how I felt, but it got too much, I was feeling worse by the day, and had basically shut myself away from the world. At 23 years old, I had lost my social life, to the point where, I only saw one of my friends outside of work, and I would spend the majority of our time together, curled up on their sofa, not really talking to them. This is no way to live, at any age, but quickly, it has become my life. Very rarely, my friend will be able to coax me out of my routine, and we will go out for the day, and if I'm honest, I do enjoy these day trips. Most recently we went to a local reservoir and I took my camera, and we had a lovely day out, I struggled to get into it at first, but as the day went on, I was feeling much better, emotionally, I was calmer, happier, and had a slight spring in my step, granted it didn't last long, but it was a big help while it lasted.
Here are a couple of photos from that trip -
In November I decided enough was enough, and made my first appointment at the doctors, now I know I left it very late, but I'm not someone who goes to the doctors very often, I've had problems before and been brushed off so I'm skeptical to say the least, but I made my appointment and stuck to it, Since opting to talk to a medical professional about my issues, I have seen two different doctors, two different specialists, been poked and prodded, has an ultra sound and most recently I had a camera down my throat, the latter of which was only a few days ago and I am waiting for the samples and things to be analysed and the results sent to the specialist, while that is happening I am also returning to my regular doctor next week to talk about the next steps, and hopefully be given some medication to take, because as it stands I am taking nothing for my illness because they don't know what is causing it, so they don't know what to use to treat it. I think out of everything, the lack of medication is the worst part, because in between all the tests and the appointments, I'm suffering. I'll be suffering until they cone to a conclusion, which could be next week, it could be six months down the line, and without medication, I will still be suffering.
I have said countless times to people that I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, not only am I ill, I'm miserable, my life has been reduced to going to work, hating the majority of my time there, and spending my days off, cooped up in my flat because I don't feel well enough to go out with my friends, or go shopping or really just do anything. I know this sounds really over dramatic, trust me I know, but I'm living it, and I have no reason to lie about it. This illness has warped my relationship with food, I don't eat certain foods any more because I don't know if its making me feel worse, or better or what, I've stopped drinking coffee before work, and only have maybe one or two on my days off, I eat smaller portions, and end up wasting a lot of, I'm eating because I have to in order to survive, not because I enjoy it, or even want to. My mum is worried about me and my eating habits, and the weight I've been loosing, in the past year I've gone from a UK size 20/22 to a UK size 14/16 and I know its breaking her heart, but I'm doing everything I can to get help and get answers, but until the doctors come to a conclusion this is my life.
I never thought I'd be writing this, and I can't say it's actually made me feel any better, if anything its brought a lot of emotions back to the surface but it needed writing down, I can look back on this when I have an answer and feel a sense of pride that I recovered from this.
I will keep anyone who reads this up to date with my illness and treat it, kinda like an online diary, Don't worry though if this isn't something your interested in, I will still be posting my regular style posts, these posts will be few and far between.
I hope anyone reading this is okay, and if not, please speak to a doctor, or someone who can help.
Talk to you soon!
Byee xx
